Meltdown #1

I had my first meltdown of this IVF cycle yesterday.  I don't really know where it came from.  As I left the office after my blood work this morning, I got a little teary, but managed to hold it back.  I really lost it after I went to get my meds.  I decided that I would tell a friend of mine who not only knew about it the first time, but has been through IVF to conceive her children.  She, of course, was super supportive and let me talk and cry and get it all out.

I realize now that part of my meltdown is grief for a friend of mine.  Today was her due date, but she lost the baby around 33 weeks.  It's really hard for me to think about that, especially right now.  She's not seeing friends or really talking to anyone.  I keep sending her texts telling her that I am thinking about her and here if she wants or needs to talk, shop, whatever.  I wish I could do something to help her.  Can you think of anything that was helpful to you if you've been through something similar?

My estrogen was where they wanted it yesterday.  Day 2 of stims today, follicle/hormone check tomorrow.

I don't like your attitude!

One of the things that has been helping me not over think and over stress about our upcoming cycle is our three-year-old.  Blessed with a command of the English language which rivals that of my second grade students, she keeps me busy and on my toes all the time.

One of things that came out of her mouth recently, as she was told not to squeeze the dog around the neck, was, "I don't like your attitude!"  I could do nothing but laugh as that came out of her mouth in a serious, stern tone.  She is so full of sass and spunk I can hardly contain myself.

"I'm going upstairs.  You'll be up eventually, right?"

That feeling

You know that feeling, where you know you are supposed to do something, but you just can't remember what it is?  All day yesterday I knew that there was something that I was supposed to do, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.  I have a pretty reliable memory, so I figured whatever it was couldn't be that important.

Yeah.  I forgot to pick up my meds.  Oops.  Fortunately, I guess, I am not supposed to take this morning's dose until they confirm my E2 is where they want it.  I still don't quite see how I'll be able to get an AM dose in today when they usually don't get back with the blood work until afternoon.  In any event, I'll race from the Dr. office to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions.  I'm a little worried that the nurse gave me wrong directions.  She has made multiple mistakes with me with every cycle I've done there.  I'm going to be so angry if I was supposed to take my first gonal-f injection this morning before blood work (not that I have it!).

Let's get this show on the road!

Lonely

This process is feeling a lot more lonely this time around, probably because it is, at my own doing.  Last time, I was a much more active participant in the infertility blogging world.  I was on a few different message boards.  More people in real life knew that we were doing it.  My mom doesn't even know this time.  I needed more support last time.

Other than the hubby, his parents are the only ones who know.  The only reason they know is because we took them up on their financial offer to help with pay for part of this process.  I'd like to try to keep it as under wraps as possible, but kinda want to talk to someone about it at the same time.  I guess that's why I'm here.  Even just talking to myself helps.

I can't believe stims start Wednesday.  This still doesn't seem quite real to me.

Waiting

There is so much waiting in all of this.  I'd almost forgotten about all of it.  Today I am just waiting to see if my E2 level is low enough that tonight can be my last pill.

I'm on an antagonist protocol again, but with an added human growth hormone.  Hooray for extra shots!  I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds soon.  Fun stuff!

Update:  E2 fine, last bcp pill tonight!

Starting Fresh

I've wiped the blog clean and am starting fresh.  I don't know why, but I just needed to.

Here's the down and dirty:
~ Started TTC beginning of 2008
~ Diagnosed with azoospermia beginning of 2009
~ IVF #1 June, 2010
~ mTESE unsuccessful, known donor backup used
~ one healthy baby born March, 2011
~ dIUI #1 July, 2012- bfn
~ dIUI #2 June, 2013- bfn
~ dIUI #3 July, 2013- bfn
~ dIUI #4 November, 2013- bfn
~ IVF #2 August 2014

We're on the IVF train again!